Mixed Emotions

From soon after Garretts and Jennifers meeting, Tues or Thursday nights were the night when when Kevin and Marlo and Garrett and Jennifer would come over to eat. It was usually recipitated by a phone call from one of the sons asking for fried chicken, or weiners and krout or some other favorite that their taste buds were craving. Heck, half the time they would call that morning and Janell would always say come on and then make a mad dash to the store on the way home. Finally she got smart and established the 24-hr rule. And that worked most of the time. And Jennifer caught on real fast. She'd get the urge for something and persuade Garrett to call and pretend it was his request.
I believe it was two weeks before the storm that Jenn and Garrett made their last dinner reservations. Kevin and Marlo were on a cruise, so it was just the four of us. But when it was six, oh was it ever a circus. One brother crackin on the other, or both making fun of their old dad for something he once did. One of them bringing up something that Brandon did and they were a part of or knew about that was never exposed to Janell and I. Kevin asking for the tea pitcher to be passed down, and Garrett emptying his own glass and then refilling it before passing the pitcher to his waiting brother. These were nights I waited for. The grandkids were at their other grandparents house so sometimes the conversations would turn to adult subjects tha 30 years ago, parents and their kids NEVER discussed. Come on folks, you know what I'm talking about because it probably goes on around your table sometimes, if you have adult kids. But none the less, I will always remember them.
Yesterday, Kevin called and made reservations for tonight. First time for them since March. I wondered how the four of us would handle it. Seemed like everyone did OK except me. I hung in there OK until talk turned to the recent arrival of the bills from UAB for Garretts medical care. Then my mind just started that replay of that 5 1/2 weeks, and I tried to put a pause on my minds projector. The first one is now over, and the next will be easier, and the next, and the next. But I don't want them to stop. Just get easier. And they will, I know. One day we will all sit around the great banquet table and partake of what has been prepared by the angels. Now, I doubt there will be any pull my finger, or risque conversations going on at our table. But one thing is for sure. We have all called ahead and made our reservations. I hope each of you have.
I'll be back.

What's Your Sauce?

It is really special when you're not expecting a revelation or a lght to come on, and suddenly you here inside you "there's a post", and you don't really have to think or dwell on what to write but it just flows through your fingers. I'm sure this is meant for someone besides just me.
Last night (Tuesday) Janell as she sometimes does, came home and cooked supper for me. I have an incredible wife, if you didn't already know that. There were very few days in the 18 years we had boys in school, that she didnt come home from work and cook or, if she wasn't employed outside the home, had a supper on the table 4-5 nights a week and most Sundays - LUNCH. My boys grew up eating supper at the table with their family. OK, I digress, but I can't brag on her enough.
Anyway, it's a once or twice a month we have cubed steak and 2 or three vegetables. So when I saw it on the plate, I never thoiught twice about about it. As I usually do, I got up grabbed a bottle of special BBQ sauce that Tina, my daughter - in - laws mom, makes for me every once in a while. I went through one piece along with my butter beans, potatoe salad, and raw onion when Janell says "How ya' like that deer meat". I just stopped chewing a minute and said "Deer meat?". Sure enough, she had hammered a couple of slices of tenderloin and cooked it just like BEEF minute steak. But did this ole trained palate ever catch on? No siree. Why? Because I had hidden the true taste of the venison with Tina's BBQ sauce. And while I finished the last piece without the sauce, a little voice inside of me asked "How often do you cover up a blessing or a message or a truth of Mine with a sauce called Luck or Coincidence or Fate or Ego? How often do you really fail to worship Me as I want to worshipped because someone is pulling your emotional chain with feel good preaching or singing a chorus 27 times? When was the last time you actually "heard" Me speak to you or "felt" Me touch you. What is your sauce of life that is keeping you from really knowing Me. I had to answer that to myself and to Him, but you'll have to answer that for yourself. Is your sauce "too busy", "too tired", "too jealous", "too materealistic". Whatever it might be, you might need to put the cap on it and ether put it on the back shelf or throw it away. No Tina, I'm not talking about your sauce. Keep it comin', girl.
(no spell-check tonight) I'll be back.

Joys of Grandfatherhood

Flashback to Sunday evening when I wrote aout my grandson Ethan, waking me up at 6:00 AM Sunday with a straight from the stomach "Good Mornin PaPa". Well, his gift just got stronger by Monday morning! I hurt so bad when I woke up yesterday that I knew the office was not gonna be a reality for the day. And during the day it got worse. I got up at 7 when Janell left, got something to drink, washed my face, called the office and left my supervisor a message, (no sound effects though) and went back to bed. I slept till after 1:00 when my Pommeranian let me know she wanted out. So I got up, ate some crackers, my son kevin came over, against my advice, to activate my new smartphone. Yes my 14 years with Nextel (Sprint) has ended. I now have a phone that can check my stock portfolio (if I had one), take pictures and videos, act as a GPS,play Battlehip with some bloke in England and play Scrabble with my daughter-in-love in Homewood, give me the absolute latest news from all the horribly biased news outlets, and let's not forget oh yeah, it makes phone calls. But I'm NOT tying in to Facebook. I'll still come home and check that on the PC (yes I still have one of those. Garrett told me to just get rid of it and set up my laptop which has twice the memory, but old habits die hard.....I.E my Motorola I-870).
So, those reading this on Tuesday morning or afternoon may ask, "You didn't go to work today?". Nope. My fever finally broke about 3AM, and now I just feel like a bottle of Geritol (wow is that a blast from the past or what) may be needed. I'm realy weak and tired and don't think I'd last very long at the office. So I may try to catch up on some 'thank you" card writing which I've not found time to do. Thanks again for all my 57th birthday wishes. On my 58th, ya'll can send Cracker Barrel gift card's with 'em.
I'll be back.

I Wonder

Well, hopefully things are going to start settleing down and we can start drawing full pay checks and feel like contributing members of society again. You know, doing our part to pay down $14.8 trillion dollars. We haven'd had 40 hours in a while. Both of our employers have been very understanding and it's a blessing to work for these kinds of folks. I don't write the following to make anyone sad, or to illicit pity or anything other than it's whats been on my mind for several days, and maybe writing it down will help get over it.
I still find myself thinking of Garretts and Jenn's final minutes together and what they must have been going through. I know Garrett was doing all he could to protect his soulmate and I can't imagine what he went through mentally for the two weeks he was conscious. I wonder if he was allowed to see her or Brandon during his weeks of battling this lifes fiery darts. I wonder if he is allowed to look down on us and watch us from time to time. I wonder if God lays out the mansions for family members close to or next door to each other. (Janell will probably ask for hers and mine to be at least a few blocks apart!) I wonder if my sons miss me. I wonder if they know when our birthdays are, or their earthly birthdays are (for truly that is one of our hardest days of the year). I wonder if dogs go to heaven. We found out yesterday that the dog Brandon actually picked out of a litter (not on the side of the road as were led to believe), LUCY, has an enlarged heart, a malignant tumor on top of her shoulders and one on her side. But she doesn't seem to be in any pain, still eats well and struggles with her displasia, (bad hip joints). Garrett adopted her after Brandon went home, and he would actually get down in the floor and lay beside her and hug her and agrivate her and make her bark. Who would have though that at 14 she would have outlived her two real masters. And that now she will probably leave here in the not too distant future, with the same illness as one of them. If you would have told me 38 1/2 years ago that my life would live out this way, I probably would have tried not to love, as I had once or twice before. But, both of them broke my heart and I still fell for Janell, so that may not be a true statement. But my days are full of questions that I don't seem to find answers for anywhere I look. But if He is reading this, I'd ask Him to just let me briefly see my three kids that have been taken from me way too soon. In my living room, in my driveway, all at once or one at a time. I really don't have a preference. But even that won't stop me from more wondering.

Positives and Negatives

This last week has been both a mental and physical challenge for me, and I want to thank all who prayed for us. Janell is the family member who has been sick, and I'm thankful to say is now home, as of lunch today. We arrived at St. Vincents ER Sunday night around 8:00 and days later, were told she had been hit with an intestinal bacteria. She has recovered for the most part, still weak from 5 days on ice chips and water. But it is so good to have her back home. I didn't even ask her to cook supper for me! I'm just kiddin' folks! But she did make me a pitcher of her awesome tea which I really missed!
This week I was reminded of some of the NEGATIVES of saying goodbye to Garrett and Jenn. Every week we would swap neck rubs. His hands were the biggest in the family to go around my 21" neck, Janell's can't work it any more, and his strength was comparable to his size. I don't know what I'll do now. I have chronic neck pain because as Kevin so lovingly puts it, I have a basketball for a head, only it weighs twice as much. Just a few weeks before the storm he put brake shoes on his mom's car. There goes my cheap auto mechanic. Jenn always gave me a hug that you could tell she meant it! Garrett and Kevin always threw a football around before a televised Auburn game. Kevin said the other day at the hospital, that he is not looking forward to football season. I've never heard that from him. Garrett was my go-to guy when I had a computer question. He picked out my laptop I got for Christmas from Janell. I just know how to get in trouble with one. I can't fix memory problems or software issues. All I had to do was call him. I knew he was rolling his eyes when I would try to explain what it was or wasn't doing. And I could go on.
The POSITIVES , if there can be any, are seing Christian brothers and sisters come together for a brother and sister that most of them didn't know. I've been reunited with friends of days gone by, and with special people in my life that have long been just a memory. I've been first handedly, reaquainted with a loss os such magnitude that I can only claim God's strength and peace as my refuge and comfort. I've seen God work through strangers and friends to sustain my household when things were very tight. And for the most part, I've seen the best side of companies and individuals who are striving to make our troubles and burdens as easy to bare as they can. And I could go on.
How in the world can a family who doesn't know the love of God, the cares and help of Christian friends, and the peace of knowing that separation from family members called home is just temporay, HOW CAN THEY COPE? I am just blessed beyond measure! Though the pain is still very real, and the tears still come when least expected, GOD LOVES ME! And that is an eternal POSITIVE

A Quickie

I appreciate the prayers this week as a close family member who doesn't like being mentioned on FB has been in the hospital. The issue they were admitted for has eased up considerably, but secondary issues may put a damper on things. I know I'm being vague, but I have to honor their wishes and not publish what I would like to. I will be able to soon.
The events of the last week have brought home so much the scripture that "it rains on the just and the unjust". But some "just" seem to get floods when they don't need them. Rest comes in many ways, and though I am just a few hours shy of sleep this week (plus many hours short for the past 60 days), physical and mental demands, as well as professional have not co-operated in my desired siesta. I have worked some, but not as much as I needed to.
You know, we all make decisions every day. And most of them come natural, and we give very little thought to them. But I've thought back this week to the day of the storm, and how decisions made that day have foerver impacted our lives. I often think "If I'd just called Garrett and told him to come to my house because I was alone and could use the company", or "Go to JayMomma's she has the underground storm shelter", or if my sweet kids had just stayed at the restaurant where they were, or if.........The harsh reality is, it was Jennifer's day, decided on before she was ever born, and June 5th was Garrett's, period. However, a decision they both made ealier in their lives has also had an impact on our lives. We know we will see them again, just how soon is still unknown to us. I will get to hear "hey daddy-o" again some day. Thank God they both made the decision for Him to be their God, and His Son to be their Savior. But their decision to do so, has impacted more than just family. And we know this because of all of ya'll who have testified in this media. And each of your decsions to share our grief, and your decsion to lift us up, continues to be valuable decisions to us.
Don't forget the event in Homewood Park on July 23rd, and don't forget to go by and help out the Christmas in Dixie for Tornado Survivors booth where they are attempting to raise funds for replenishing Christmas decorations lost by storm victims. Thank you for your patience.

Fingers Can Talk

Well, the weekend has continued to be a real battle of emotions, but we willmake it. Don't understand why it's just now hitting, but it has. Both of the grandsons spent the night last night, so it kept our minds occupied. But after there departure, it has been a struggle, especially for my sweet wife. It really hurts to see her hurting so bad. And all I can do is hold her, and most of the time she doesn't even want that. So I just pray for her. And ask ya'll to lift her up as well. You almost want to go around and take sown their pictures around the house until some acceptable day in the future. But yet, we need to see 'em. Even when I said the blessing tonight, I found it difficult to know what to say. I pretty much thanked Him for our food, and home and friends, and whn I mentioned family, it just hit me right between the left ventricle and the right ventricle. And I said, "God we do love you, but we don't understand you", and I don't know where that came from. I'm not seeking sympathy or desiring to dampen anyones evening, just doing what seems to come natural, vent.
But something that has also entered my thoughts today, are the staff at the hospital that came to mean so much to us. These are truly special God called people, whether they claim Him or not. I have had my share of hospital experience, not only from a personal side, but also as a minister of music and my hospital visits. And these people are special. There were probably 15-18, including Doctors who loved my son so much that we could sense it when they were around. And I was told that they try not for that to happen, because it makes results like Garretts very difficult to get over. I'll not mention names, but they know who they are, if they get to read this. One doctor, primary care type, actually had a whole week off for the arrival of his new daughter. The night of Garretts viewing, he was on call and couldn't come, but his wife said she had to come meet the family of the patient who had so enveloped her husbands thoughts and mind. She was so sweet. So, when ya'll think about it, please lift up this staff of Trauma ICU, 9th floor, UAB in prayer. Send them a GPW card c/o Beth, Dayshift Charge Nurse. They will forever be family to me, and I hope our paths cross again, but not as before. I've kinda gotten away from the direction of my recent posts of dealing with spiritual things, but as most of you know by now, it's whats in my mind that seems to come out my fingers. Hope everyone is in their place of worship tomorrow.
I'll be back.

Substitute Hugs

Sunday night , on the way home from church, I stopped to visit a dear old saint of our church. She was diagnosed w/Parkinsons several years back, and it recently has bedridden her. Her swallowing ability has left her, and she is sleeping a lot. In fact, when I stepped n the house, the caregiver, (also one of my altos) told me Miss Jane had been sleeping for almost 24 hours, and even changing her and her bed had not awaken her. I said I would go in to speak to her anyway, just in case she could hear me. I told her how much I appreciated her prayers for Garrett before his homegoing, and her prayers for us since. As I was speaking, she opened her eyes and turned her head towards me. I told her I was sorry she was unable to communicate with me, sorry she could no longer attend church and but that she was probably close to her homegoing and seeing her husband again, family and friends and most of all her Saviour were enough to make me jealous. Of course, I told her, I could beat her there, that I might not even make it home that night from her house. And then, where this came from, I don't know. I said, "Miss Jane, if you make it up there before I do, would you do me a favor?" She looked at me and her eyes widened. "Would you go look up Brandon, Garrett and Jennifer, and hug their necks for me? I am really missing them right now, and if you could just hug their necks and tell them I love em', and "WAR EAGLE" for me, it would mean so much." I'd swear she frowned when I said that cause she is Bama thru & thru. But I have no doubts she'll pull it off.
For some reason this week has really been tough mentally and emotionaly for Janell & me. I've had to get up a few times and leave the office for a few minutes. I've had to clear my eyes because the wipers on my car couldn't seem to "clear the windshield". And when I try to post, it's as though my fingers weigh a ton and the screen and keyboard won't stay in focus. Just couldn't get into it. Janell says it's starting to sink in that he's not gonna call for "dinner reservations for 2". That she won't have to patch or sew up those holy khaki shorts for the 137th time. That she literally has nothing of his like we do Brandon's, for Garrett had moved the last load of his stuff out just a couple of weeks before the storm, because she told him it had been in boxes in the floor long enough. But as we well know, these days and weeks will inevitably repeat themselves for about the first year. And they hit when you least expect them. So when you see Janell or me anytime in the next year, remember, we accept substitue hugs as well as ask others to deliver them.
I'll be back.

Detours

I had a pastor once that told of a mission trip he went on to Kenya/Tanzania. When almost reaching the border, there was a crude blockade built on the main road they needed to travel. It was a quicker and smoother route, but thugs had blocked it off, and were demanding "pay-off" to travel it instead of the detour. The detour would take longer, was full of potholes but actually had prettier scenery. The leader of the mission instructed the drivers to take the detour. They did not understand, but did as he said. When they reached their destination, one of the drivers asked why he chose the detour. He said in the end, that it allowed them to see more of God's beauty, but it also did not aide the thugs in breaking the law.
I've thought about this for several days and have seen something I believe God wanted me to see about both Brandon's and Garrett's journey. Both were given the longer journey. For Brandon, 3 weeks shy of 4 years when he was given six months. And our family saw more of God's beauty and plan, while experiencing some very painful potholes, and saw Brandon grow in God's grace. Not to mention saved souls. And a valuable sidebar result was a lesson to me of how a Christian should live and die. And it took away Satans intent to make his death meaningless.
Likewise, Garrett should have been killed instantly as was Jennifer. It would seem merciful to most folks. But yet it gave Kevin, who helped find him and dig him out, time with his brother that was both critical and fruitful. Finding him as quick as they did had a bearing on us having 2 weeks of communication with Garrett. Though limited, it was immensly valuable and productive to our family and friends who came. Yes there were major potholes, but the coming together of patient family with unit staff was a thing of beauty and love. And that five & 1/2 weeks was the time God wanted for Garrett's Prayer Warriors to become what it is today. Again robbing Satan of a sensless death.
Think of some other detour takers: Moses, David, Jonah, Sampson, and many others. ( Enoch definately took no detour!) So when things aren't going quite the way we planned, better ask yourself, "Who planned my way?"
I haven't told all ya'll lately, but thanks and lots of love from our family.
I'll be back.

Self Reflections

I never write these posts to get any kind of a response, so if I get none here it's O.K. with me. I have just been A.) Perplexed B.) Confused C.)Overwhelmed D.) Humbled and E.)Scared, in a sense. All from the reactions and responses to so many of you who have shared my journey. I say my journey because I can't tell you what Janell or Kevin truly feels. I know I look at life and it's blows or challenges totally different than they do. And I respond to each stumbling block along the way differently. I trust people to a fault, if that little voice in me says I can. But sometimes that little voice says "don't", and though I can't explain why, I'll watch my back around that person. But first impressions are very big with me.
Please don't anyone take this the wrong way. I strictly mean I see it as a visual, on the surface, correlation of what I'm going through to what Moses went through. He asked God "why Me. Who am I that Pharoah would listen to me. I am nothing". As for Frank Jones, I barely graduated high school. And with the exception of just a few individuals from church, I was not friendless, but not a part of the "in"crowd. I had a 3 wheel mail/police scooter instead of a car! Talk about jokes and jeers. I had chores at home which precluded me from going out with friends. My father was a very strict, old fashioned baptist preacher, and I was by todays standards, an abused child. I was told this by people (adults) that knew me growing up and would speak a kind word when we would meet about how I had turned out well in spite of my upbringing. I though my discipline was normal for Christian family kids, never suspected it was abuse. I even lost my 4 year childhood sweetheart around age 11 and that just tore my world apart. I've always been this way: If you have ever been loved or liked by me, you still are! Those few people in life that affect you that way are worth loving for life.
But all this attention to my journal (which is my heart) has brought new friends by the thousands, which have been very scarce in my life. Until Brandon met Mark Weldon, I had no male best friend that I could talk to daily. There was a former choir director that was (is) still very important to me, but we didn't communicate that often back then. So when now, in a matter of a few months, people are being "uplifted", "changed", "inspired", "blessed" and other superlatives, just because I feel the need to spill my guts or express a thought, well.... that is scary my friends. I have no idea how or why God takes what I write, and turns it into a blessing or a message. I am not worthy of this kind of attention, nor do I feel it merited. I won't write something just to be writing something. It has to be something I'm feeling orsomething I've witnessed or experienced that I feel it's worth sharing. So some days may not produce a post. But I promise to make it from my heart when it does happen. I do encourage everyone not to take tomorrow for granted. As I was recently corrected by that "old Flame" ( l meant that lovingly LH) we are all promised a tomorrow, just not an earthly tomorrow.
I'll be back.

Memories

What a day today has been. Started at 7:00, getting up, getting grills (yes 2 of them) ready, going to store to swap out bad slaw, get some ice, and grab a biscuit and gravy from Jacks. But coming from the car to the house , a bag of ice turned my gravy & bisuit up sideways, and when I got in the house, all my gravy is in the bag. Not a good way to start my holiday! Got concrete pool deck sprayed off and pool vaccuumed, strarted cooking meat. Six grills full, ribs, hamburgers, wieners, country back bone, chicken and smoked sausage. We fed 12 adults, 2 teenagers, and 5 kids. And a ton of meat left over as usual. Uncle Sam's BBQ place is gonna be hurtin.
I'm reminded of a holiday, I believe it was the fourth of July, about 6 years ago. I had been preparing the back yard as I did today, and the neighbor who lives behind me (I'm on a corner) had come over to the privacy fence to talk. He mentioned how much he missed watching all my boys, including Brandon with one leg, enjoying the pool during the summer like they used to. There would be 4 or 5 friends come over while Janell and I were at work. As long as their chores were done, it was O.K. The neighbor mentioned how much fun it was to watch them jumping off the roof into pool. I said, "excuse me, did you say the roof?". He replies, "Oh yeah, they would line up across there, and one at a time off they'd go. I said "oh really...?"
He looked surprised and asked if this was news to me. "Yes it certainly is, but you don't mean all of them do you? Are you saying Brandon was in on it too?" Sure he replied. Now how he got on the roof with one leg, I never found out, but he would hobble across that roof on 2 crutches and 1 leg, balance, drop the crutches and jump." Needless to say this was somewhat disturbing. Now I knew Brandon could go deer hunting with a special designed tree stand that his grandfather built for him, and that was a sight to see him climb 30 feet up a pine tree and settle in for the wait. But this pool stunt was incredible. So around the table that holiday, when both Garrett and Kevin are rousting it up and stuffing their face, I popped it on 'em real smooth. "So, anyone care to tell me how Brandoon used to get on the roof when all you guys would be swimming in the summer?" Heads were bowed getting bites, but eyes looked up at each other like "Ah Oh". One head shook and then the otther like ESP was in effect. "Did you tell him....No I didn't tell him I figured you did" " I didn't tell him". They had been caught but it was 6 years after the fact, so no discipline needed, but did we ever get the laughs that night...............Didn't have any revelations or laughs like that today. Just a strained attempt by all to have a good time, but to be careful not to say anything that could be mood changing. Man could he put away some BBQ ribs. We had way too many left over........

Forgotten Words

Tonight, while listening to my pastor, I did as I sometimes do. My mind wandered and I read some scripture that wasn't part of his sermon text. Don't tell me this never happens to you when you're not really "into" hearing what he's bringing. And I read this from Psalms 77. (amplified King James version)
1   I WILL cry to God with my voice, even to God with my voice, and He will give ear and hearken to me.
 2   In the day of my trouble I seek (inquire of and desperately require) the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out [in prayer] without slacking up; I refuse to be comforted.
 3   I [earnestly] remember God; I am disquieted and I groan; I muse in prayer, and my spirit faints [overwhelmed]. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!
 4   You hold my eyes from closing; I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
 5   I consider the days of old, the years of bygone times [of prosperity].
 6   I call to remembrance my song in the night; with my heart I meditate and my spirit searches diligently:
 7   Will the Lord cast off forever? And will He be favorable no more?
 8   Have His mercy and loving-kindness ceased forever? Have His promises ended for all time?
 9   Has God [deliberately] abandoned or forgotten His graciousness? Has He in anger shut up His compassion? Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!
 10   And I say, This [apparent desertion of Israel by God] is my appointed lot and trial, but I will recall the years of      the right hand of the Most High [in loving-kindness extended toward us], for this is my grief, that the right hand of the Most High changes.
 11   I will [earnestly] recall the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will [earnestly] remember the wonders [You performed for our fathers] of old.
 12   I will meditate also upon all Your works and consider all Your [mighty] deeds.
 13   Your way, O God, is in the sanctuary [in holiness, away from sin and guilt]. Who is a great God like our God?
 14   You are the God Who does wonders; You have demonstrated Your power among the peoples.

And I thought of the times during that 5 1/2 weeks in Trauma ICU that I felt like God had left me. I couldn't feel Him, I couldn't hear Him, and I thought what have I done to bring all of this on my family, on my son? Since then I've experienced guilt that my faith wavered and I let the Temptor have that edge over me. I know I've read this passage several times before, but when I  needed to remember it, I couldnt. Thanks to all of your prayers and holding me up when I was hurting and angry, I'm able now to go back and get the comfort I need. I have seen His miracles in times past, he has given me a song, when I did not feel like singing. The nights I couldn't sleep and I was so weary and anguished, I did not know what to pray, and all I could do was litteraly sit and groan. I thought of the seven times in four years Brandon was at "deaths door" according to the doctors, but he "confounded the wise", and lived to tell of another miracle. The answers we need for whatever we are facing, are in His Word. Conditions sometimes block them out, but His words will never pass away. Somebody out there needed this tonight because it  was not what I intended to write about.
Please, all 6000+ of you who may see this, thank God tomorrow sometime for America. Yes, she has her faults right now. Some really serious ones that fly in the face of God's laws and what our founding fatrhers intended when writing our constituion, (which was founded on Gods Word, I don't care what anybody says to the contrary). But she is till the greatest country on earth.
Tonight, while listening to my pastor, I did as I sometimes do. My mind wandered and I read some scripture that wasn't part of his sermon text. Don't tell me this never happens to you when you're not really "into" hearing what he's bringing. And I read this from Psalms 77. (amplified King James version)
1   I WILL cry to God with my voice, even to God with my voice, and He will give ear and hearken to me.
 2   In the day of my trouble I seek (inquire of and desperately require) the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out [in prayer] without slacking up; I refuse to be comforted.
 3   I [earnestly] remember God; I am disquieted and I groan; I muse in prayer, and my spirit faints [overwhelmed]. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!
 4   You hold my eyes from closing; I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
 5   I consider the days of old, the years of bygone times [of prosperity].
 6   I call to remembrance my song in the night; with my heart I meditate and my spirit searches diligently:
 7   Will the Lord cast off forever? And will He be favorable no more?
 8   Have His mercy and loving-kindness ceased forever? Have His promises ended for all time?
 9   Has God [deliberately] abandoned or forgotten His graciousness? Has He in anger shut up His compassion? Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!
 10   And I say, This [apparent desertion of Israel by God] is my appointed lot and trial, but I will recall the years of      the right hand of the Most High [in loving-kindness extended toward us], for this is my grief, that the right hand of the Most High changes.
 11   I will [earnestly] recall the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will [earnestly] remember the wonders [You performed for our fathers] of old.
 12   I will meditate also upon all Your works and consider all Your [mighty] deeds.
 13   Your way, O God, is in the sanctuary [in holiness, away from sin and guilt]. Who is a great God like our God?
 14   You are the God Who does wonders; You have demonstrated Your power among the peoples.

And I thought of the times during that 5 1/2 weeks in Trauma ICU that I felt like God had left me. I couldn't feel Him, I couldn't hear Him, and I thought what have I done to bring all of this on my family, on my son? Since then I've experienced guilt that my faith wavered and I let the Temptor have that edge over me. I know I've read this passage several times before, but when I  needed to remember it, I couldnt. Thanks to all of your prayers and holding me up when I was hurting and angry, I'm able now to go back and get the comfort I need. I have seen His miracles in times past, he has given me a song, when I did not feel like singing. The nights I couldn't sleep and I was so weary and anguished, I did not know what to pray, and all I could do was litteraly sit and groan. I thought of the seven times in four years Brandon was at "deaths door" according to the doctors, but he "confounded the wise", and lived to tell of another miracle. The answers we need for whatever we are facing, are in His Word. Conditions sometimes block them out, but His words will never pass away. Somebody out there needed this tonight because it  was not what I intended to write about.
Please, all 6000+ of you who may see this, thank God tomorrow sometime for America. Yes, she has her faults right now. Some really serious ones that fly in the face of God's laws and what our founding fatrhers intended when writing our constituion, (which was founded on Gods Word, I don't care what anybody says to the contrary). But she is till the greatest country on earth.

Faithful

Dear Hevenly Father,
I know my praise is very childlike and may be lacking in what all it should cover. But I don't think anyone could mean it more from their heart than me.
I have been to mountain top so many times: When I married Janell, You were there. And everytime I watched a son come into this world. You were there. I have seen all of my sons accept your Son as their Saviour: You were there. I have seen homeruns hit. You were there. I have seen my first sons testimony of your grace and mercy lead others to your throne. You were there. I have seen two grandsons brought into this world. You were there. I saw two sons get married to the helpmate YOU intended for them. You were there. I have felt the thrill of your presence in my soul when I get to sing your praises in the many places you've let me serve. You are there.
And I've been to the valley: Burying a brother, mother in love, daughter in love and a 25 year old son in 6 months. You were there. Burying another son at age 19. Yiou were there. Leaving home at an early age to make my own way in this world. You were there. Seeing America slip away from her Godly ways, You are there. Seeing the strikeout, when just one more run would do it. You were there. Hearing a doctor tell you your son has a rare cancer no one has ever survived and has six months to live. You were there. Having all 3 sons struggle for life their first few week here. You were there. Getting the call that your baby sons house is not there but alll his cars are. You were there.
And theres the moments you've carried me. Through three preemies being born, You were there. Multiple periods of unemployment, You were there. Thirty seven years of marriage to the helpmate you intended for me. You've been there. Allowing me to lead your children into worship for 40 years when my only qualification is that I love Your music. You're still there. Singing at two sons funerals. You were there. Sharing my thoughts, emotions, feelings, fears, disappointments and valleys with people that You, before I was ever created, ordained to be here to pray for me, love on me, encourage me and minister to me. You are still here.
God, please bless all who read these thoughts, though poorly conveyed. Answer their prayers as you have mine. Provide their needs as you have mine. Carry them when they need it, as You have me. Hear them when they cry, as You have me. And please give each one many more mountain tops than valleys, as you have me. But most of all, thanks and praise to you for being there for them when they need You, just as they and You have been here for me. For you are faithful..... Amen

Time Warp 30 Years Ago

Well, it was today, thirty years ago, that I became a Father. I had to go to work before Janell. When I came back from the shower, she told me that she felt a leak occur and that the baby must have rolled over on her bladder. I went on to work, not thinking much about it. I'm at work and around 8AM she tells me she has called the doctor she felt like she was having pains, and had had another leak. He tells her to come into the office for an exam. So I leave work and go home to get her. While in the doctors exam room, on the table, her water breaks. We walk from the professional building over to the hospital, and a few hours later have a 6lb. 2 oz boy, (yes back then it was still a surprise). But he had a lung condition that required he go to NICU at University Hosp and we were at Princeton. So for the first of all 3 times, Janell got to hold her newborn for about 10 minutes, and then watched as they were taken to another hospital. And as with all three, they were dedicated back to God within just a few weeks of birth. We felt that important. Never did we dream........
In the first two years of children (Brandon and Kevin were 17 months apart), Janell, myself or the two boys were admitted to the hospital a total of 17 times. Garrett was the miracle child, though there were multiple expected deformities from medication she was on the first two months of preganancy (she never even knew till she was 3 months with any of them), he was born tiny but well. Kevin was born in the labor room with just me and Janell, no doctors or nurses, and swallowed his amniotic fluid. How ironic that both Brandon and Garrett start and end their lives fighting to live. I have been blessed by my God more than I can ever relate to you, with three sons that have never brought us shame, disappointment or embarrassment. And I have the assurance, that I know that I know that I know, we will be together for eternity. How blessed is that!, And with both of my sons' deaths, other's have come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. How blessed is that! How many fathers can say that? Though I was present, at their side, holding their hands, when they both took their last earthly breaths, I know the next one they took wasn't smoke filled, it was absolutely heavenly. Happy Birthday Brandon, I hope you are enjoying your early birthday present! I love you still, Dad.

Four Weeks in Heaven

I'm back in the saddle tonight, but I'm leaning to one side really bad, and probably fixin to fall off "Ole Paint". Gettin home and in bed at midnight and then up at six might work for some folks, and maybe me if I wasn't already about 3 weeks behind on sleep. I enjoyed ny visit with the folks at Calera Baptist Sunday evening. And God kept my voice going, and hopefully our witness and songs blessed a few folks. And thanks to both Steep Creek Baptist in Lowndes County and the folks at Calera BC for allowing me to get back to what is my passion, singing. (truly a "therapy" for me right now) and for what seems to be an exciting new form of ministry in witnessing and testifying about God's grace and strength. I feel like my son's stories are to be shared, because God sems to be taking this feeble and undeserving vessel's attempt at sharing them, and doing things that only He can do. For I, like all of you, am simply in awe of what has happened with all that we've written. But writing it is only one part of the picture. Like a painter, you must feel what you are sharing, but you also have to "live" it. Painters see more in their subjects than the un-trained eye sees. I must "see" the whole picture God is painting inside of me, to be able to "paint" it for those who come to hear. For that is an awesome responsibility, when people are searching for what God has for them, and you are the messenger of the hour. So, if He leads that way, and the doors open, I must be open to the calling and know when it is time to step out in faith. Several people much more learned and close to God than i am, have dropped hints at me that they feel in their spirit, things are fixing to change for me. Don't know what that means, but I pray for clarity, discernment and trust to know when it's happening. Thank all of you for your continued prayers for Kevin, Janell and I as we complete four weeks in Heaven.
I'll be back.